Reverb10 Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
I feel like every moment that Reverb has prompted me to write on has been a defining moment this year. I guess the truth is, I feel like 2010 in particular has been a year of opportunity for defining myself. But what I have uncovered most recently is my desire to step into my own power no matter what anyone else in my life is doing.
This stems from years of looking at my husband, whom I love, and waiting for him to “get it.” He’s been struggling for a long time and I put my life on hold because some part of me wanted him to pull his life together so that I didn’t have to. It’s not that I’m a lazy person, but I thought I was pretty content being a stay-at-home mom. That is, until I realized that I’ve NEVER just been a stay-at-home mom. There has been a yearning inside of me to push myself a little more and to go out into the world and stand up for others for a very long time. But instead I nagged, cajoled and whined at my husband to “pull your shit together.” I kept hoping that if he could do whatever it is he needs to do to be successful then I could just go back to being comfortable without stretching. The problem was, I wasn’t really all that comfortable anyway.
I’ve never been one to be content with the way things are — even when “the way things are” was great! I guess it’s a good thing I never took up art — I would have a studio full of pieces that I was perpetually changing. In one of my last posts I wrote about finally feeling comfortable with who I am — I think that was paramount to me reaching a place where I could own my own power and was willing to go after my own destiny.
There was no catastrophe (outside of the every day trauma that was striking our home), no discussion with a friend, no major illness of my own (thank goodness)….but one day I woke up and really listened to the stirring in my heart. That stirring said, “Take charge of your own life, be OK being the head of the household and stop putting so much energy into trying to get your husband to walk your path.” It feels good to both of us that I’m not “up his tree” so much, but it is causing us to find new ways to relate with one another. After all, we’ve spent years with him relying on me to push him and me avoiding my own path in order to shove him along. I suspect 2011 will be much easier for both of us.
So, here I am, poised on the edge of a new year ready to leap into my own success.